Wednesday afternoon and Wednesday night my heart was racing, I was shaky and I felt sick. I also wanted to cry.
All of this because on Thursday I was back to work after 18 months away looking after our beautiful Darling Daughter (DD).
I barely slept Wednesday night.
Thursday morning came and I didn't want to not do the daycare drop off so hubby and I both took DD to daycare. She had no idea what was going on except that Mummy was wearing "nice" clothes.
My heart was STILL racing and I still felt sick. I didn't so much feel like crying but running away and hiding.
Why was I so worried?
I'll admit it. I'm shallow. I was worried no one would talk to me. That no one would like me. I can't help but wonder if this was exacerbated by my PND.
I rocked up only 15 minutes early. Before DD I would be there at least half an hour early to have a coffee and a chat. No time for that yesterday.
Admittedly I got my coffee. Then when I sat down with the lovely lady doing my return to work training, I felt at ease. Things made sense. I had set guidelines I had to follow to help people.
I forgot about the teasing and ribbing from a few people. I'd forgotten how much I missed them. One of the guys can't believe I do my own footy tips. Maybe because I'm not just beating him but I'm on the top of the ladder. For now. We've still got a fair way to go.
I missed hearing people on the other end of the phone wanting me (or my colleagues) fix their problem whatever it may be.
Then came the dreaded phone call from daycare. DD had some suss nappies. Could we please pick her up? So I rang hubby as he had the car with our carseat (our second carseat is waiting for us at our local Target to be picked up). He took a few hours off work. Then he text me to say daycare wanted us to keep her home today to be on the safe side. I only work 2 days a week. Today should have been my second day back. But here I am blogging away. While DD sleeps peacefully. We're thinking it's her teeth. She's certainly not off her food, bottles or water. And her top molars are cutting. Ewwww.
But I'm glad I went back. I'm happy I took the extra 6 months. Yes it was hard financially but we did it. I'm also super happy that I've gone back now, and not any later. I can't wait to finish my return to work training next week and really get back in the swing of things.