And so it begins

I need to get this out there. I need to talk about it, but when I've tried talking to Dear Husband (DH) he just shoots me down, telling me to forget about it, don't think about it. 

He doesn't realise that it's just not that easy.

Today marks 12 months since the scary rollercoaster started. It's when my waters broke, when we thought I'd just wet myself.

When we presented at the hospital. For the midwife to look at me with sad eyes and tell me that my waters were gone.

That agonising wait for the doctor to show up.

The doctor giving the midwife a signal to say I was dilating already.

Waiting with my mum for DH to come back from picking my bag up.

Knowing that I was only allowed to walk to the toilet, and even then I had to go slowly.

Going into the Special Care Nursery (SCN) for the first time to see where our baby WOULD go, regardless.

Back to the wondering what had I done wrong? Why was my baby coming early? Would he/she be ok? Had I eaten something? Had I caught something? 

There's a part in the back of my mind today that's replaying everything I did up until it all happened. From when I was at the shops, to helping mum, talking to my aunt.

Occassionally, it get's too overwhelming and I need to shake myself, and look at my precious little girl and focus on the awesome day coming up on the weekend. Her very first birthday. 

I want to know if other premmie parents go through this, but I'm too scared to ask because as much as I want to know, I guess I don't want to know. I really hope this year is as bad as it gets. This is why my Christmas shopping is all done and dusted and all my presents wrapped. 

That's it from me today. You know that my mind is addled, I'm a bit scattered and scarred. But we will be ok. You can bet on that!

That Darn Feeling

Ok, so yesterday I freaked out. Big time.

For two days, I'd had severe nausea and even vomiting in the morning. 

I honestly thought I was pregnant again, even though DH and I have always used protection, apart from when we were trying for DD.

When I threw up yesterday, DH said, "You're not pregnant, are you?"

That's when the panic set in. I rang my mum, all scared, wanting her to watch DD while I went and got a pregnancy test. In the end, I went and saw my GP because in my mind, the test was only going to give me a false negative. I became a human pincushion for bloods to be taken, I was so dehydrated. He rushed them through and one of his receptionists rang yesterday afternoon - I'm not pregnant! It's just food poisoning or a virus.

Why was I so scared? I'm just not ready for another baby yet.

There's quite a number of reasons, including the fact any further pregnancies are high risk, with lots of monitoring, early steroid injections, lots of scans, and a very good chance I will go premmie again, maybe even earlier than 33 weeks. I don't want to miss out on anything with DD while she is still so young. It wouldn't be fair to her to do it all again so early. Our house isn't big enough, we don't earn enough money, I can't risk losing my job. I mean, Centrelink would probably look a bit nicer toward us if we had more than one, but it still wouldn't get us through. 

Will I ever be ready for another baby? I honestly don't know. DH thinks I'm just being silly, but he's not the one who was left alone in the hospital at night, with no one to turn to if I needed to vent. He could have called his parents or mine, but I'm the sort of person who finds it very hard to talk about how I'm feeling sometimes. I also have trouble asking for help. 

There's no doubt in my mind that we would have just carried on and somehow gotten through if I was, but it was such a relief to know that I'm not pregnant. 

But I will say to you - if you ask for your steak medium well and it's still rare, don't eat it, no matter how starving you are!

I've linked up with Essentially Jess for IBOT today. Head on over and check everyone out!