Tuesday, 27 November 2012

The Journey Part 2

To follow on from yesterday's post....

This side will deal with how I went emotionally.

When my waters broke, I was calm. When they admitted me to hospital, I was calm. Two days of bed rest, I was bored, and still calm. The third day though, it suddenly hit me. I was going to have a premature baby.

DH had gone back to work by then, as there was no sign of labour and he was only a 5 to 10 minute drive away anyway. No point in wasting his holidays, which we were saving for when we took our baby home.

Day 3 saw me having to be cuddled LOTS by my parents. Those who know me, know that I hug, but my parents and I never really did. We knew we loved each other, we always said it, but the only things apart from DH to calm me down were my parents. The lump of emotion that constantly seemed stuck fast grew and grew and grew. 

They took me off bed rest, I walked the corridors of that ward like there was no tomorrow, trying to get bub on the way again to no avail. 

The night before my induction, I finally caved and asked for the medicine to help me sleep that I had declined the previous few nights. I still didn't sleep great. DH and my mum were at the hospital early. I remember the midwife wanting me to walk around, but as it took her, DH and mum to walk me to the toilet, it was decided it wasn't a great idea. 

When DD was born, there were a LOT of people in the room. 3 or 4 midwives, the OB and the Paed. They all arrived within 2 or 3 minutes from their rooms (the doctors) and I remember hearing DD screaming. Everyone was saying, "What is it??" My honest to goodness thought was, "I don't give a F*** what it is, IS MY BABY OK??"

DH and I were extremely lucky. DD was breathing on her own, didn't require ventilation but was tiny. We got a quick cuddle before she was rushed over to the Special Care Nursery (SCN). 

1 week later, the day I was dreading came. I was discharged. It was great that I got to spend so much time in hospital, being so close to DD. I missed DH and my bed greatly, but the love for my child made me want to stay so close. The Nurse Manager was quite abrupt and nasty to me, and then when the lady at the desk at the hospital asked if my baby was leaving with me, I broke down. 

Another issue I had was that Kangaroo care was encouraged for so many of the other parents, but not us. In that time, I kept asking myself why we were so unlucky that we couldn't use kangaroo care to help us.

Most of the people we came into contact with were great. There's a few very special ones who I keep in contact with, especially the midwife who took care of me on bedrest and spent some time in SCN looking after DD. And me. The conversations we had at times kept me sane. 

2 weeks after she was born, our first huge milestone - leaving the isolette for an open cot. 3 weeks after she was born, I got to room in for the night. At age 22 days, we brought our daughter home. It was so great to finally show the lady at the desk that we DID have a baby and we WERE going home. I wanted to sing and shout and dance around.

The biggest, longest rollercoaster so far was defeated. We were finally a family. Even now, I look back and wonder how I got through. I don't see myself as a strong person. But in that time, I had a strength I didn't know I possessed. 

There might be more to follow this, I don't know. All I know is that it is approaching 12 months since this journey began too soon. And I wouldn't change it for the world!

I'm linking up with Jess for IBOT


  1. Sorry you had to go through all that, but glad it turned alright in the end.

    My youngest son was tiny when he was born and needed special care, though I had him at 39 weeks. You wouldn't know it now though. He's four and full on.

    Have a great day.

  2. The strength that you seem to muster when you have a child to care for is amazing. Just when you think you are spent, a little more energy comes and you pull through.

  3. Wow, what a story. I haven't had a chance to read the first part yet but I will as soon as I have commented here.

    You did an awesome job to get through all that, even with an on-time baby it's such a trauma going through it all, so to have the added worry of a pre-term baby and having to leave her in the hospital? You are a champ!

  4. That must have been so horrible to be discharged from hospital without your precious child. You are obviously stronger than you think.

    Did you ever find out why you didn't get Kangaroo care?

  5. No, we had a few issues that we did address with the hospital, which they gave us satisfactory answers for, but at the time, we never raised the kangaroo care with them. It wasn't until I saw photos of others who had bubs in the SCN having kangaroo cuddles that I got a bit upset about it.

  6. Sorry you had to go through that crappy beginning, but such a sweet ending :)

  7. Oh I can't think of anything worse than having to leave for baby at hospital. Ava was nearly born at 26 weeks, and I was terrified that even if she survived, she would have to be without us for months. Thankfully the layout was stopped and she ended up being a week late!
    So glad you are all home and safe now. :)